Welcome to Super Secrets, a GOLF.com series in which we’ve handpicked the brains of the game’s top overseers. By clarifying how the course maintenance teams run their business, we hope to not only give you a deeper appreciation of the important and innovative work they do, but also provide you with maintenance tips that you can apply to your own little piece of paradise. Happy gardening!
Great game, golf. Too bad it’s played by a bunch of ingrates. Just ask the superintendents. Golfers complain to them about, well, almost everything.
In the spirit of espionage, we asked a group of greenskeepers about the most common questions and complaints they answer and how they respond. Or at least how they like Answer.
Greens are very slow.
Answer: Hit harder.
Greens are very fast.
Answer: Beat softer.
Greens are impossible.
Answer: No, they are not. You just stink.
The course is in poor condition🇧🇷
Answer: It’s not as bad as your game.
Why don’t you guys turn off the mowers when I’m ready to hit? Don’t they know it’s a distraction?
Answer: You’re the same golfer who complains when maintenance work isn’t done quickly enough.
Really though, they should turn off their lawn mowers when I’m knocking!
Answer: There is nothing we can do in maintenance to help you. The help you need is a golf lesson.
You should cut off that tree branch. I keep hitting.
Answer: You shouldn’t knock there.
You must move the tee markers forward. I keep hitting the pond.
Answer: You shouldn’t hit there either.
The bunker sand is too firm/soft/uneven.
Answer: You understand that it’s a danger, right?
Sand from the bunkers continues to splash onto the greens.
Answer: Read the rules. You are allowed to brush it.
The flagpoles are too high. My caddy can’t reach the flag to keep it from swinging when he’s handling the bat for me.
Answer: Get a taller caddy.
The flags are too thick. Putts ricochet off of them.
Answer: Um, so pull the flag.
The fairways are wet. Why are you watering so much?
Answer: It rained half an inch last night and you live in the country.
I’m soaking my lawn this week. Any tips?
Answer: Keep the green material pointing up.